December

As I sit by the fireplace on this extremely cold winter’s night, I am calm and content. It is the first December since 2013 that I can say that. December of 2014 was partially spent inpatient at Loyola getting another round of consolidation chemo. It was also the year that I had to go to the ER because my gums were spontaneously bleeding. I had been pretty miserable all of the week surrounding the Christmas holiday due to side effects from chemo. Chemo can cause mucousitis or, in layman terms, inflammation of mucosal linings. Typically this involves the mouth and throat but lucky me...it involved the other end of my digestive tract. That’s right, my booty. Talk about a pain in the butt...holy moly! I couldn’t sit, stand or lay down without searing pain. Miserable was an understatement. Chills and fatigue were also haunting me and of course I was neutropenic. The dr I had called to report this pain was not sympathetic at all and didn’t seem to have any help other than ibuprofen. It didn’t occur to her that it could be a side effect of chemo and said it was not chemo related. A couple days passed and it was December 30th. My sister looked at me and said “should your gums be bleeding?”. I dismissed it and fell back to sleep. When I got up to use the restroom, I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. My gums had a red blood like goo oozing from them. I was also dizzy and my heart was fluttering. Of course my husband took me to the ER at Loyola and found that my platelets were below 5. Normal is above 150. My hemoglobin was hovering around just below 6. Thank God I didn’t get cut or in any sort of accident because I would’ve bled out. Thankfully I was given platelets and blood and sent home the following morning.

December 2015 was much better but I was fighting a nagging cough, fatigue and a head cold. I continually told myself that it was the workload of the holidays and the stress of worrying about relapse. I was, at that time, 14 months in continuous remission was told that I had a great prognosis at that point. Sadly, I found out a month later that I was in fact relapsing and all of those symptoms I had in December was the leukemia attacking me again.

December 2016 found me bald, too thin and weak. However, I’d been through and survived a stem cell transplant and was dealing with graft vs. host disease (GVHD). It was an amazing feeling to be alive but I was mourning the loss of my hair, my energy and the fear of relapse was still very present in my mind every single day.

Finally, December 2017 I am at ease. The risk of relapse is still there and I worry about it ever single day but I’ve come to accept m “new normal” and can live most days enjoying my children and husband and appreciating the life God has given me. Still bald, but have a nice wig. Not overly thin anymore but happy to be a healthy weight. My energy is never going to be what it was before leukemia but its increased dramatically since last year. This year I was able to truly and fully enjoy Christmas morning as my boys gleefully opened their gifts. It was magical and I’m blessed to be here to experience it.Each day I hope and pray fervently that I will be given many many more Christmas mornings here on earth.