A Matter of Trust

I remember being worried. I was worried about my boys, my husband, my mom, my sister and my mother in law and father in law. I felt like I dropped the ball on everything...parenting, house work, marriage, family relationships, friendships, everything. I couldn’t do anything to help the mess I left behind other than make lists. I made so many lists. Grocery lists. Things to do with the kids lists. Stuff the kids need lists. A list of where to find stuff in our house. A list of people to call if someone needed help with something. I did everything I could to regain some control but I probably just made it all worse.

I finally settled my mind enough to pick up a book and distract myself. At the time, my devotional had a theme for each month. It was the last week of September and I looked ahead to what the theme was for October. It was “trust”. Well, how very appropriate that was. The only thing I could do was trust. Trust the nurses and doctors. Trust the caregivers taking care of my children. Trust . Trust. Trust. It’s not something I’ve been very good at. I certainly was a bit on edge about trusting God at that point...I mean, here I was, possibly dying, leaving behind my children who I loved so much and my husband and friends and family. Really God? Is this the way you wanted my life? Then I realized that yes, that’s exactly what He wants. He wants for me to trust. So I did. I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. I finally “got it all out”. All the fear and anger and sadness I had was released and I handed it over to God. I couldn’t do anything about it but He could. I felt at peace. I felt relieved. I felt like I could beat leukemia and it was all going to be ok. There was no way to know what lay ahead of me but I knew it would be ok one way or another.